I wish I didn’t worry.

I always have to check on him. After about an hour into his nap, I quietly open the door and watch him breathe. I put my hand on his chest and feel it move up and down or I listen closely to him inhale and exhale. In the middle of the night, I wake up in panic and sometimes wake him up just to be sure he’s okay. This happens a few times during the night. I’m always talking about SIDS and feel so paranoid. It’s the scariest thing in the world.

It’s not just SIDS though, I worry about him all the time. I’m a mama bear and can’t help but be very over protective. A part of me is always thinking, “Is there anything dangerous near him? Could that be potentially harmful to him? Will that hurt him? Is he okay?” And the worried list continues. I don’t think I would trust him with very many people right now. Even when he is with Dylan for a little while, I’m always hoping he is okay(and he always is).

I also hope I’m doing the right things for him. I worry that there is something more I should be doing, something different, or less of some things too. I hope I make the right decisions and do what is best for him. I don’t want to mess this kid up! His whole life is in my hands and that scares me to death!

I hope I can relax more one day. Until then, these restless nights are worth it to see his smiling face every morning!


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